Musings of a Monster
by Hacked It Out and Fell
Summary: A dark fic about troubled thoughts that haunt Xellos after learning the true nature of the war between the Monsters and the Gods. Please R


Spoilers warning for Try!  
I don't own Slayers!  
  
This comes from my ventures into watching Evangelion. Xellos's thoughts  
after what he learned from ValGavv during the events of Try. Please R&R  
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Musings of a Monster  
  
  
Who am I? Am I a puppet in a play to large to notice the Puppet Master? Am I  
more? Why? How? Who? She is Who. She creates us, rules us. She decided my  
fate long ago. We fight for her, but why? Does this not make my Master, not  
my Master? I have to obey the Master, the one who created me, but She is  
Master as well. She created us all. Do I stay and be ruled twice over or do  
I break free and serve strictly Her? Hmmm this is all interesting problem.  
  
Humans. I watch them. I am drawn to them. Why? What is it about that small  
band that I stay in contact with. One is like me. One is everything I can  
never be. One I dare not stay to close too and the last just accepts life.  
So many different factions. So much chaos. These are truly Her children.  
  
Dragons. They fight the others. The fight themselves. They fight to protect  
or to destroy. They dislike, no, they hate my kind. Or Do they? One accepts  
me now. The others fear me. Good reason to, but it wasn't my choice. Was it?  
Order, they want order. But their order is chaos. Chaos. It all is tied into   
Her again.  
  
Monsters. They destroy. They feed on what is negative. Hell Master. He was  
lost to Her. But why? What did he do that angered Her so? Maybe She just  
decided to give him a lesson. He was a good example of a monster. But what  
of me? I am powerful, yet I help the humans. Why? It goes against my nature.  
But what is to be said about my nature, my nature is that of a monster.  
  
What is the meaning to our existence? If we return the world to chaos, then  
what? What will be our purpose then? Who will I be? Who am I now? I am a  
Monster, yet I am more. Our nature, my nature is to save myself. Then why  
do I care enough to help the humans?  
  
I have orders to. I am a puppet, that is controlled by another puppet. But  
who is the puppet master? Is it the Dark Lord? No. Is it She? Something  
inside of me screams yes. It also says stop going down this path.  
  
"Once it has begun, it can not be stopped"  
  
Those words echo in my mind. I have never questioned anything till now.  
Why? I shouted a warning to the others. Why? I could have saved myself, but  
I chose to help them. It is not my nature to do such things. But what is My  
nature? I am high ranking Monster. I am a servant to humans. No. That is not  
right. I serve my Master a Dark Lord, Who serves Lord Ruby Eyes.  
  
"Humans are the key"  
  
These words now haunt me. Humans are a reflection of the Gods and the  
Monster race. They are everything and nothing at the same time. One stands  
apart though. One has been with Her. She should have never came back, but he  
did it. He pulled her back. Joy, hate, indifference, passion. I can taste  
all of these when I am with them. I have never cared to explore further,  
until now.  
  
"Do not be afraid, death does not await you."  
  
He could have destroyed me in that attack. He could have ended it all. We  
were all at his mercy. Dark Lord, Monster, God, Dragon, he was all of them  
at once. Human and Dragon tried to reason with him. What did I do? I  
screamed in pain. Pain from their positive emotion, pain from there brave  
front, even though I could taste their fear. Fear that was buried deep down  
in all of their hearts. He offered them a new life, rebirth. No it was  
offered to me as well. Why else did he allow me to live? What would that  
life have been? I can not imagine it. Hmmmm pity.  
  
"Try as you might. You who fight to keep on living."  
  
He gave them. Us a chance. All it would have took would have been to kill  
three key parts. I can not believe he was so stupid as not to realize it. He  
was giving us one final chance. Why? He is a monster, a Dark Lord. His very  
nature would have been to wipe us out, without a thought. Dragon and Gods.  
They were the balance I suppose.  
  
"Enough of your madness."  
  
I stopped him, He was telling the very secrets that no one was allowed to  
know. Secrets that I didn't know. Why did I stop him? I was afraid to know  
the truth. Coward. The dragon didn't grasp it. The humans, given time if  
they dwell on it will learn. Humans again, the human that has Her power. She  
wanted to know what he had to say, you could taste her desire for the secret.  
  
"And in exchange I get to use him as a convenience item."  
  
Those words now come into my musings. Why? Those are just the brave front of  
a human. Yet, they stung. They hurt? Odd I must say. I have never cared what  
others think of me, except my Master. Her words though hit a nerve. They all  
have hit a nerve somewhere, some how. I am a monster, I can not, I will not  
feel such things. I do though.  
  
"That is a secret."  
  
My shield. My protection. I hide behind these words, even to the other of my  
kind. Yet there are no more that are like Me. Back to my original musing it  
seems. Oh well, there will be time for musing later. For now I have orders.  
  
"I'm only following orders."  
  
My excuse to everything I do. Even now it seems lame in my ears. I have sat  
on this roof putting of my orders for as long as I dare. I look down on the  
four people who put aside all differences of everything to include me as one  
of them. It has been a year since my last travel with them. They have grown  
in power that no one could have imagined. They have become a threat. I am  
to make sure they are never able to threaten the Monster Race.  
  
"Then why does this victory taste so bitter...."  
  
I walk away from the scene I have just created. Innocence was shattered.  
Indifference turned to rage. Hate became more. Joy became despair. I laughed  
as I worked. I gave no chance for Her to be called. I was fast and efficient.  
Life and Chaos became Nothingness. Even then I hid behind my mask and my  
excuse as they cried out to me. Why? Why did I betray them? I was their  
friend.  
  
"Well mission accomplished."  
  
I report to my puppet Master. I await my next orders. She congratulates me  
on a job well done. I thank her, though there was no pride in my work or in  
my job. Her praise is like salt in a wound that is deep and will take a long  
time in healing. Maybe in a few hundred years the one reborn can take his  
vengeance for his saviors. Maybe he will let me return to Her. Then all of  
my musings will be answered.  
  
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